Things got so bad the ex needed to cut me completely out of my step kids' lives and reduce my contact to my children to an absolute minimum. This is a valid action for someone that's looking out for the safety and wellbeing of their children.
so, how bad do you think I got? Was I abusive to my kids? Violent towards my ex or her husband? Maybe got into drugs? Maybe I just didn't take care of the kids properly.... neglected them both emotionally and nutritionally? Maybe something much worse that you can't even imagine! After all, divorce and separation are pure hell especially with the emotional and financial difficulties that develop.
Before I get into the current situation, I'll quickly describe the first major time this happened since it influenced the significance of this occurrence. As discussed in another blog post, the first major vacation I had with the kids after the separation resulted in 8 months without contact to my step children, and very reduced contact with my own. What did I do wrong on that one to deserve this? I talked shit about my ex and wouldn't allow them to call her. Well, that is her claim anyway and in no way was this even remotely true.
The extremely abbreviated version is that we were on day one of our Disney vacation and still in the park having an absolutely amazing time. The ex wrote about 7pm or so asking if the kids will call, I didn't see the message for a while since we were still riding rollercoasters. After we rode space mountain, I told the kids we would walk back to the castle so they could call here from there and have a cool backdrop. We got there and tried calling but no answer. BTW, it was raining fairly heavy at this point. We made our way to the front of the park where the small room with lockers is located. We went in there to get out of the rain and called again. This time we got through but Emma wasn't too talkative, probably from being tired after a long day at Disney. She handed the phone over to Riley who was also a bit on the quiet side. I'm used to this since my relationship with her had mostly been over the phone for the previous year or so. I guess her mom wasn't used to that and started crying. Riley handed me the phone and the ex accused me of talking shit to the kids which is why they didn't want to talk to her. This was absolutely untrue but ended up being the story she used to justify cutting me off from the step kids for 8 months following that trip. Although I eventually regained contact, the damage was done. They had basically fallen out of love with me and pretty much talked to me like a stranger after that. Oh well, I'll be patient and try to reestablish the relationship over time.
Jump ahead 3 years. The relationships got a little better over time but were never really restored. It seemed like the kids were afraid to get close, maybe in an effort to not offend their mother. Fine, I can accept that, and it makes sense to minimize the drama with their mother and within the house that they actually lived in. I don't think they really understood that I had parental rights as an (ex) stepfather, so they just accepted her pressure to keep distance from me. I hoped they would outgrow this as they got older.
getting to the point of this blog and the justification for being cut off.... unlike in the US, child support doesn't end when the kids turns 18, it continues until they finish school. The caviat is that it goes to the kid at this point and both parents are responsible to pay. The parent that has primary custody does have the right to not pay if the child still lives in their home. This is basically the equivilant of them paying rent. Well, my ex refused to give the money from Riley's dad to Riley for 2 years following her 18th birthday. I finally had a chance to sit down with Riley and explain the law and show her that this was wrong. Riley thought it was completly up to her mom and didn't know she was supposed to personally get the money from her dad. After I explained this to her, she talked with her dad and decided she wanted to get the money in the future. She was scared to talk to her mom about this but her dad finally made the move to pay her directly which is exactly what the law says he should do. Anyway, in response to the ex now being forced to follow the law and lose some of her very valuable income, she retaliated by reducing contact with my kids. for the 2-month leading up to this day, I talked to my kids just about every day and a few times more than once in a day. This was amazing since it was a big improvement from the previous few years. Now I'm lucky to get a quick call once a week. Although it hurt, I felt like it was worth it. Riley was finally getting what she deserved and more importantly, she was reminded that I am on her side and will stand up for her even if it hurts me.
Now the unfortunate part.... I haven't heard from Riley since then. I assumed her mom would interfere and contact would be hard, so I was patient. I couldn't write much since I know the ex still micromanages their social media accounts (even for a 20 yr old) but I wasn't worried. Her birthday was coming so I knew we would have some time together to celebrate. I wrote to her with a plan for her birthday but never heard back. I asked but birthday suggestions but never heard back. I was in Germany for 2 weeks leading up to her birthday but never heard from her then either. Wow, I had to assume her mom really got in the middle of this and is somehow preventing her from writing. I used a few other places to write instead of just WhatsApp, thinking maybe a little more privacy shed be comfortable enough to write. I even went as far to write that I knew she was in a difficult place with not trying to upset her mom, but I at least needed to know if she wanted contact with me or if somehow, she decided she wanted nothing to do with me. again, no response.
So, this is where I'm at now. Step kids that won't write to me and I don't have a clue why. I can understand the ex's perspective that she wants me out of the picture, but I can't imagine what they were told, or what they believe, that is so bad they want me out of their lives. I've never been given a reason, never been given a chance to rebuttal anything, never been given a chance to prove what they about being told is a lie.
This is all so incredibly unfortunate. Someday I hope these kids look back and question why they were forced or tricked to kick me out of their lives. If it was for their safety, fine, they should accept that and be thankful. If it was based on lies and only to hurt me or give my ex the freedom to break the law. I hope they open their eyes and hold their mother accountable for what they lost from their life. They lost someone that loved them and would have done anything in the world to support them for the rest of their life.
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