This is an older post that I finally decided to finish and post. Hoping to make some progress on the many other drafts that I have save as well. I'll try to keep this one a bit shorter than the recent long-winded rants that I've had.
I originally wrote this draft almost a year ago, March 2022, but it ties into the recent posts that led to my meeting with the Jugendamt
My son has been having some disciplinary issues and it's been extremely difficult to discuss my concerns with my ex. In general, it's difficult to discuss anything with my ex. If I agree with her, tell her the things she wants to hear, or just allow her to accuse me of being at fault for everything.... communication is easy, otherwise it's nearly impossible.
With a bit of hesitation and restraint, I'll just say that my son has some disciplinary issues right now that tend towards him being a bit violent towards other kids. I see this with how he interacts with his sister, his friends, and even me. He becomes aggressive any time things don't go his way. He is a young boy so this might not be completely out of the ordinary but where my main concern is, is that he doesn't have any fear about doing it Infront of an adult. If I catch him in the act or maybe even while its escalating, and try to stop or prevent any aggression, he doesn't change his actions in the slightest way. He doesn't slow down or stop what he's doing. I could almost understand him trying to get one last hit in before I get to him as a chance to have the "final word". In reality, he just doesn't react at all. I've tried with the loud scary voice, and it still doesn't faze him.
Clearly there are multiple issues here. The obvious one revolving around his inability to deal with issues in a nonviolent manner. His actions and lack of remorse are another. The big one to me however is that lack of reaction when he is in trouble or about to be in trouble. I hope that makes sense.
Naturally, as a concerned parent I tried multiple options and even researched some suggestions from the always helpful and accurate internet. (sarcasm) When these didn't offer any viable paths forward, I tried to discuss this with my ex. Personally, I feel like the issue stems from the environment at her house which includes 5 kids and 2 computer addicted teenagers (one is now 20). Of course, I know I can't tell my ex that I think the issue is at her house, but I still think we need to talk about the issue.
I wrote her a message and briefly explained that I had concerns about Harry's violent tendencies and wanted to talk to her about it. This would not be a surprise to her as she was called frequently to the kindergarten for some of his actions and even had issues with his best friend that lives down the street.
I expected a normal conversation at least for a while, but figured it would go downhill if I mentioned anything about the environment that exists at her house. I was wrong. From the time I answered the phone, she basically accused me of being the problem. She made comments about this only happening at my house and that she doesn't have any problems. She then said, that if there were any problems at her house that it would only be due to my family genetics.
She was trying to reference a mental disability that my sister has but for the record, that is not a genetic condition.
She continued talking/yelling in a way that prevented me from saying anything at all until she finally ran out of steam. At this point, I told her that I know it's a bigger issue than just at my house. I mentioned the issues at kindergarten and with his friend. At that point she basically admitted that she didn't really mean that it was only at my house, she was just using that as a technique to control the argument. I wish I could have recorded that statement from her. This is the exact way that she handles ever debate that we have. She throws our false and overwhelming information so as to prevent any possible rebuttal.
Eventually she calmed down and we actually talked. She admitted she has problems too and it drastically affects them. She said she can't take the kids anywhere because of how he acts. He has no respect and is violent when they go out in public. She specifically mentioned their inability to take the kids out to restaurants. I bring this up because I think it helps show where the issue could be. I take the kids out to restaurants frequently. yes, there are some challenges but I'm willing to work through them. I teach him manners and respect. I teach him table etiquette and how to be patient and quite while he waits for others to finish. I don't take the kids to hole-in-the-wall places either, we usually go to some pretty upscale places as to help reinforce how important it is to act properly.
jumping forward to the issues that led us to our meetings with the Jugendamt. It's now almost a year later and Harry is still having issues. Some of them have gotten worse while a few have calmed down a little. She reduced my contact with the kids because she claims this will help with his issues. it seems the 4 months I was away at school wasn't enough for her to make progress, she specifically needs the weekdays that they would otherwise be with me. It seems that my overly disciplined house and exposure to the finer things in life are somehow contributing to his delinquency. It seems the family with 5 kids all yelling and screaming for attention while the adults are all buried in electronics have nothing to do with his issues. In the end..... it's all because of my families' genetics!!!
As a side note, I find it interesting that she takes credit for how well the step kids were raised but then takes no responsibility for the shortcomings of the next 2. If she was instrumental in the first 2, why can't she do the same with the next 2. If I played no measurable role in the development of the first 2, then why do the second 2 need to be taken away from me even more?
genetics.... thats the answer
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