For years I’ve been threatened with the “jugendamt” and thought if things got to the point they were involved, I’d probably be screwed and lose everything. It seemed to be her default threat to me and in many cases caused me to cave and give her things she didn’t deserve just so I could avoid the possibility of them getting worse. Even though I was scared of them, I actually reached out to them about 3 years ago when I was cut off from my step kids in hopes they would help me reestablish contact. That should be a fair expectation since parental alienation is illegal, even with step kids. Well, all of that fell through and they didn’t help at all. Jump ahead 3 years and things were getting bad again, well I should say worse, since its generally bad the majority of the time. I didn’t have any confidence reaching out to them but I tried anyway. Big surprise, I didn’t receive a single response other than some messages where they told me I was reaching out to the wrong person and they kept sending me on to the next person. Eventually I hit a dead end and just didn’t receive a reply. This is scary when my emails talk about alienation, violence, and potentially neglect. These are big key words that the jugendamt should jump all over but instead, it just gets ignored. I’m not sure if they don’t care, don’t believe me, or is the system just that corrupt that they are protecting one of their own? Anyway, my point is that I reached out a second time and it didn’t go anywhere.
My ex though, that’s a different story. She reached out and within hours I have multiple emails and appointments scheduled a month in the future. They take her word, assume I’m guilty and don’t even attempt to contact for my side of the story. They simply send me a letter that says I need to be at an in person meeting on 17 Jan 2023. It doesn’t clarify the purpose or the proposed outcome of the meeting. It doesn’t tell me what I’m accused of or what should do to prepare. Just states that I need to be there. Oh, and it’ll be in German so I know this will be an added challenge.
Here is a brief summary of what led up to this:
(EX) could we … (the adults) please find time this visit to talk? We need to discuss Emma’s next school and Harry’s behavior in the bus and school. If you could come here (her house) that would be great.
(ME) I agree these are important subjects that need to be discussed….. I’ll get back to you in a bit
(ME) We will have time to talk but I’m not sure how we need to do this, I’m not comfortable meeting with you guys in person again. I think these are important but fairly easy conversations and think they can be handled on here (whatsapp) just fine. You can make a group for all of us if that’s easier.
(EX) A whatsapp group is not an alternative to talk in person. If you don’t feel comfortable, we have to do it through the Jugendamt
(ME) It absolutely is a valid alternative, why wouldn’t it be? We can exchange information and opinions pretty easily.
Meeting with a third party is an option as well, I don’t understand whey that would need to be the Jugendamt though. It seems there would be unnecessary delays to make an appointment and figure a time when we are all available.
Why can’t this be handled today on whatsapp?
(EX) yes, its important, that’s why it can’t be handled on whatsapp
(ME) Can you explain why whatsapp isn’t appropriate?
(EX) and this is why I don’t want to discuss anything over whatsapp
(ME) That doesn’t make sense to me….. Ok, what about Email? Voice messages? Or if we meet in person, would you agree to it being recorded?
(EX) Obviously you are not interested in a healthy coparenting relationship. That’s the reason I will contact the jugendamt
I then even gave her a couple more options of meeting with a third party present (even her mother if that suited her) no responses to any of my suggestions. Eventually I just received a message stating our appointment date.
So… this very important conversation is now being delayed almost a month because I wouldn’t meet her in person as she requested (her husband assaulted me the last time I met at her house so I feel I have a valid justification) I gave her 7 alternate ways to communicate but somehow I was the one that apparently didn’t want the healthy coparenting relationship.
A key point that I’ve learned over the past 6 years is that she can’t be trusted. This is another big reason that I want these meetings/discussions to be in writing or with another party present. There have been way too many occasions where she says something and then later claims I’m crazy and she never said it. This generally deals with her living up to her side of some agreement that we had. So, bottom line is that I want proof or a witness for everything now.
Another interesting point is that she makes me out to be the bad guy because I “will use her words against her” no….I will hold you to your word, just like I do to myself and everyone else in my life. I have made agreements with you that I didn’t like but I lived up to them because we agreed. I have no issues putting things in writing, or having witnesses because I feel confident that I’m doing the right thing and that I always have the best of intentions. I think her intentions are questionable and quite often at the expense of someone else including her own children. She doesn’t want proof of those choices because she would never want the kids to see how her choices negatively affected them.
Getting back on subject…
So this meeting happened as scheduled and I made sure I showed up prepared. I was ready to stand in front of a jury of 12 or an execution squad if I had to, I knew my ducks were in a row. It seems she wasn’t quite so prepared. The Jugendamt opened the meeting by asking her to describe the issue… I was expecting it to be that I wouldn’t meet her in person to discuss our childrens issues. Nope…. She claimed we had no communication at all because I refused to write to her. She claimed I wouldn’t update her on my schedule and would show up unannounced and then leave early which was screwing up her plans. In response she wanted to reduce my contact with the children to weekends only. (something she had already done but I was lining up a very powerful lawyer to fight that issue as well) anyway…. She caught me off guard but this wasn’t a difficult battle at all. I showed documentation of my contact with her and the lack of responses that I generally received. Yes, I had backed off from contact with her since November based on her cutting me off from the kids and that didn’t look great on me, but at least I was able to justify why I was doing it.
Bottom line, this meeting was drawn out and most of it was a complete waste of time. Her complaint that I didn’t write was disproven but subsequently I agreed to keep her more informed of my travel plans. That subject was over.
The next subject was my visitation with the kids…. She had already reduced it to weekends only and was basically tasked with proving why that needed to happen. Her claim was that the kids needed consistency to which I simply challenged her to say what is inconsistent between the two houses. Over the course of the next hour, she could never provide an answer. The Jugendamt asked her multiple times to describe the issues and concerns of the kids being at my house… for an hour, she had no answer. Well, she did but one that was only favorable to me. She said multiple times that I’m a “super papa” and the kids love their time with me. She said they stand in the window and wait for me to get home, they get excited and run over to my house, they do so many cool things with me, and that I’m very involved with them. The Jugendamt looked so puzzled… he could not understand why she wants to restrict my contact with them. I know…. Because that is her leverage and that is how she punishes me, end of story. Anyway, after this conversation going nowhere for over an hour, that result was that she needed to restore my weekday and weekend visitation to the way it was. The one compromise was that there will now be a bigger buffer on my arrival incase I’m running late getting back to Germany so I don’t disappoint the kids. Although I want every minute I can have with the kids, this was actually a good compromise because it now allows me to spend a day or two alone with my girlfriend before the kids join us.
So, in the end, the Jugendamt wasn’t nearly as scary as I expected and luckily for me, he seemed very neutral which is not what the previous contact had led me to believe. The Jugendamt heard stories about how good of a father I am and how well I take care of my children. Even though it wasn’t the biggest victory for me, it was still a step in the right direction. I also know that if things escalate, she is now on record saying these positive things about me so I think it will become harder and harder for her to create these negative stories that cause me to be distanced from my kids.
At the end of this meeting I also made a very big discovery that I’ll cover more in depth later, but the short version is that she admitted reducing my contact with the kids as retaliation for me filing a police report on her. FYI, kids are not allowed to be used as leverage or punishment and she just admitted to doing just that in front of the jugendamt!
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